Over the course of the past five days I broke up with someone I cared very much about. He gave me the standard reasons: he didn’t have the time for a relationship, we were too far away, he couldn’t give me the “100%” I deserved, the timing wasn’t right. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. I went into this relationship looking for something more than petty dating, more than the games, looking at it as a chance to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It went great while we were together. We clicked flawlessly and effortlessly. And then he left the state for college. We kept trying for a little while, and I was determined to fight for him, to fight for us, no matter what. He promised me the same.

The call came just shy of three months together, in soft voice, choking back tears. “I just don’t think I can do this right now.”

Everything stood still.

Then shattered.

I spent an hour on the phone trying to convince him to stay, or to at least take some time to reconsider. He agreed, but I knew. I was just dragging out the inevitable. I just wasn’t ready to let go. I spent the rest of the day sobbing my eyes out to friends, begging God to, “please change his heart.” I couldn’t eat, and woke up every few hours crying when I tried to sleep. It was as if my body knew what my heart felt.

The next day I sent a long text with every intention of letting go. He called me.

He called me.

I heard his voice and couldn’t hold onto my resolution. A second time I asked him to reconsider. He said he just needed some time to think about it.

I gave him three days. Every heartbeat made my chest heavier and it felt harder and harder to breathe.

At the end of the third day I broke the silence. I texted him, telling him he could have his way, I hoped he was okay, and to text me if he ever needed anything. He texted back, wishing me the same.

What I have found in the aftermath is possibly the strangest thing.

Close friends, family, acquaintances who heard my story and my pain and reached out to support me and pray for me. Leaders and classmates telling me they heard me, and they felt for me and that they loved me. Random students on campus coming up to me just to say hi and asking how my day was going.

It almost seemed like God reminding me.

But I have learned from this too.

Praying that God will help you put Him first in a relationship does not constitute to putting Him first. It is an intentional act, purposeful and unique and requires daily effort. I never realized I was wandering at this point in my life. I have been down many dark paths in the past, but felt I was doing okay, if not good right now. Until He called me back. I have spent more time praying and in the Bible the past week than in the last six months. Despite going to church. Despite working at a Christian camp.

I have learned that God doesn’t follow your plan. No matter how much you want Him to. No matter how much you manipulate or try your best or do good or evil. His plan is higher and if that includes this relationship in the future it has to be on His time, not mine. As someone with trust issues that doesn’t sit easily with me. I like to know what is going on and when and really, I should have planned it to begin with. But God doesn’t work that way.

I planned out my timetable and He crushed it as if to say, “Follow Me, trust Me. I will give you what is greater. Step out on faith, as you are. Love Me first and I will give you what I see is good.”

And I believe him.

In the chaos of my own head I found hope. In the pain and brokenness I found support.

He is, therefore I am.

-Virginia